I watched the movie Detachment recently. Yet again.
The protagonist Henry Barthes, reminds me of someone. Someone who used to be special to me. A boy from school. I was quite young, when I first saw this boy. He stood out from the crowd.
I used to see him in the hallways or sitting in class and I could feel he was different from every other boy. I know everyone’s different, but he was different in a specific way. Surreal almost. He used to seem quite sad most of the time. Like he has a lot going on in his life. He looked quite to me. Always listening and observing. I felt like he was in some sort of pain, and I desperately wanted to help him or at least listen to what he has to say. But I never could find a way to approach him back then and he eventually left school. Even after years, I’d find myself thinking about where he was or what he was doing, even though I didn’t have the slightest clue about him. I didn’t even know his name for the longest time. Most of the things I just said, might not have been true even, but I was very confident that I had him figured out and that nobody could understand him like I did.
The character Henry, from the movie, a lonesome substitute teacher, is forced to deal with troubled people around him throughout the movie. He has gone through a lot of emotional trauma in his life. Yet, he is kind to people. He’s empathetic. Maybe because he has been through so much pain himself, he understands what it must feel like to live in this world where suffering is inevitable. Maybe he “ubiquitously assimilates”, like he explains to his students. But he does not feel the need to be heard. I realized while watching the movie that I am typically drawn to people who seem painfully reserved. I see it as a power. They have every right in the world to cry out their feelings, but they choose not to. And I think it’s a quality that is admirable. Not everyone can do that. Maybe they choose to do that for their own reasons, but it takes a lot of courage to deal with life on your own. And that is the main reason why I was particularly drawn to this boy.
Photo credit: Tony Kaye
I remember coming across a post from the same movie on this boy’s Facebook feed years ago, when I somehow managed to figure out his name. I’d look at everything he’d posted and try to decode what he’s trying to say to the world (Joe Goldberg, who?).
I still don’t get why I was obsessed with wanting to get to know him. I’ve had crushes before, and this was not like any of that. I don’t even know if it was a crush. I think I rather felt admiration than attraction, towards him. I think I found him brave.
Over time, I’ve gotten to know him as a person, and my perception of him might have been tainted. At times, I really wish he had been a stranger. Not that I regret talking to him, but I just feel that there’s a lot of beauty in keeping someone like him at a safe distance. It’s best to let them be. Sometimes it feels like he has limited space for others, like Henry. Maybe he was better meant to be a beautiful stranger than a known acquaintance.